26th February 2019

The Field I Once Loved

With a single ancient dark oak tree and the texture of a thousand lives all smiling; this Oak was like the castle, looking over the field with its arms wrapped around the young and powerless children. Oblivious to the nature of the world. The peaceful flowers not caring, but merely living the same life. Entangling together to make something bigger than themselves, something that will live on when they pass. You think this must be a paradise.No! This is nothing less than Heaven, the place of angels and all things good.

A blessed land.

Beside this Holy Grail was a small populated town. Your heart drops. But not in a way you have ever felt. You love this feeling, you think you’ll never want to leave. Even forgetting the thing that has been on your mind, nagging and dagging at you. That there is a war. Your mouth drops as while, like an eager puppy waiting for food. A puppy scurried down the glistening light gravel road, where there were house made with stone slapped together and with the rooves crafted with pine wood. All of it was amazing:love,beauty and color. It could bring tears to all with just its endless beauty. But you haven’t even seen the King as it flows down like silk though the town and field: a crystal clear river giving a shine to everything it passes. Men stand up right, marching forwards with there chest out, and with as much pride as 100 lions. The all mighty generals are as unshakable as a mountain. They have never feared anything. If the men were as prideful as 100 lions then the generals were gods. Leading an unstoppable wave of peace. You were that wave of peace,you knew that you had to stop evil and that you were special. Beside you was an old man smiling at the Haven before him. You look down, and see the rifle in your hands, the power; it’s like you could do anything, even kill a god. The oak wood frame of the gun was decaying and had a stain of blood on the stock. You walk into the field. Each inhale is like a dance going off in your nose. You sit and look at the royal purple flowers with a blast of yellow in the center, white mat of blossom dancing in the sun. The blazing red and orange like a mighty fight of dragons. Laying down in the middle of this field is like a gift.

The once tall and powerful castle has now been knocked over and left the young and powerless flowers trampled on. Leaving the arms of hope burning a way, in a field of nothing but death. The flowers that once lived peacefully, are now in the middle of a war. That they did not start or want, but the void of death is unavoidable. From death you would hope for at least something greater then yourself. You think this is a land of doom.No! This is nothing less than Hell, the land of demons and all things evil.

A living Hell.


Beside this demonic field were fires and debris of once houses. Your heart crumbles apart; in a way you never wanted it to feel. You hate this feeling. You think you will never make it out alive or dead. Your legs trembling while screams are tormenting you, powerless to help. Beside you is your friend. Choking on his own life, bubbling up. Your hands covered in his gore while you still helplessly try and save him from the man in black: Death. He pulls you close and with his last bit of strength says “please don’t leave me I…I don’t want…To die.” He lets go.

You say “Sorry.” And leave your friend behind. Running for your own life and not others. Every time you wipe away your tears a flood replace it. Your body suffering as while as your mind; the only way to numb the pain is to inflict suffering on others. The King is the color of blood and ends in a dam of bodies. Men run like cowards while being mowed down with bullets. The cowardly generals run like sheep from a dog leading everyone to their doom. Before you was an old man on the ground with no legs and a crocked back holding his clenched pale hand to the fiery hell he once saw as a paradise. You start panicking within a crater.

“Why…Oh God why did you let this happen! I was not special, you didn’t care about us, you hate us…WHILE I HATE YOU TO!” You scream I hate you while you shoot the sky. You start cursing.

“I hate this war.No! I hate this world, I hate everything, I want to watch it burn, I want to destroy everything you love and look you in the eye as I, a mortal, the thing you made brings you….”

BANG! Your eyes light up as a shine of  pure red rage blossomed into death. You turn your head and see the once mighty fight of dragons ending with sorrow and pain; black tears drip like ink as the brother holds his only family left in his arms. The power I thought I had was a drop of water in the great vast sea. Coughing blood in the middle of the field is like a curse.




Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. Hi Josh. These are the areas that we discussed from a “first reading” of your writing today:
    1) Please read through your writing out loud to find where all of the necessary breaks (comma pauses, but most significantly, full-stop separations) are needed. Reading your word out loud will also help with grammar accuracy (and sense).
    2) Consider “best word choice”. I.e. Does your word selection specifically explain what you want it to? Are there places where repetition detracts from the flow of your writing? Are you repeating words/phrase structures for emphasis? (I know that you wanted to do this in places.)
    3) Have you given enough detail for your reader to fully grasp the images that are introduced? – watch one line descriptive details, unless you want to leave the reader with these statements.

    Reply
  2. Hi Josh,

    As requested, I have re-read your writing. The area that I would focus on today is syntax (sentence structure). Please read through this writing out loud again to see where additional links (through conjunctions/punctuation), and breaks would enhance the meaning of your ideas. Although your syntax is effective in places, there are times when it seems slightly “listed.”

    You may wish to have a final check over spelling and grammar too – just a few words here that may need to be adjusted.

    All the very best!

    Mrs Waide

    Reply
  3. Hi Josh. In the final time available for your assessment, continue to carefully craft your sentences (as you have been doing) so that you are purposefully isolating ideas, and linking others. Read through all of your writing to establish purposeful structure throughout this assessment.

    Also, there are a few (minor) word, spelling and punctuation errors here. Reading your work out loud will also assist to find these for correction.

    All the best!
    Mrs Waide

    Reply

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